


i don't know

by Dawniebb



Category: Infinity Train (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Other, TW: GRIEF AND ABUSE, also Grace makes some references about having feelings for Simon, but I need to clarify that in no way I wanted that ship to be canon, i just wanted to write about it because emotions are complex, man i sure do love writing about grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:00:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26353834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dawniebb/pseuds/Dawniebb
Summary: "When Simon turned into ashes, Grace mourned him for days; weeks; months even; even when she wasn’t thinking about him. Even when she thought he was finally gone."
Relationships: Simon Laurent & Grace Monroe, Simon Laurent/Grace Monroe
Comments: 8
Kudos: 30





	i don't know

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have much to say.  
> Except that Infinity Train ruined my life and I'll forever be bitter about that but damn, what an extraordinary way to tell people you shouldn't date your abuser.  
> 10/10. Kudos :')))) <3 somebody finally gets it.

When Simon turned into ashes, Grace mourned him for days; weeks; months even; even when she wasn’t thinking about him. Even when she thought he was finally gone.

After a while, she managed to face the fact he wouldn’t come back.

But despite not being there, he wasn’t gone either.

She still felt him everywhere and she didn’t know why.

So she mourned him for the longest time, for he, too, had been the one who had been there with her for…

Well.

For the longest time.

His memory stayed for as long as his non-existent presence haunted her; Simon’s life turned into havoc, and his body became a puppet of his own intrusive thoughts; denial flooded his senses and pain turned into fire; a fire that consumed him and burned every good thing residing inside him; gone was the Simon she knew; gone was the Simon who had gifted her so many good memories, even when they were in the wrong path.

But they were together. Just like they were together in the moment there was nothing left to burn and Simon, willingly, set himself on fire.

Grace knew she didn’t owe him anything.

Not to that Simon, at least.

Not to the Simon whose soul had turned into ashes way before his flesh, bones and organs did.

She couldn’t owe anything to the person who had made her feel terrified for weeks; the person who was unpredictable; cold; ruthless; the person who couldn’t taste, couldn’t smell, couldn’t hear… couldn’t _feel._

Not a single gram of empathy. Or love. Or anything.

That person had treated her like a bag full of nothing, that couldn’t taste, couldn’t smell, couldn’t hear and couldn’t feel, because his mindset was so damaged he couldn’t conceive the idea of somebody thinking different than him.

That person had risen his voice at her; touched her without her consent, in a _violent_ way; he had hurt her feelings; he had _assaulted_ her by invading something as private and intimate as her head, only to use the things he found there against her.

That hadn’t been very Simon of him. And, Grace supposed, she should’ve given up on him earlier.

Because even before he was dead, Simon was already gone.

Yet, Grace tried to look for a sign _her_ Simon was still there. Lost in a sea of confusion and hatred and despair; she tried to reach him. To bring him back.

She tried until the end.

Anything would’ve been useful.

Just _one_ sign.

_Any_ sign that indicated it wasn’t too late.

But, in the end, it was too late.

When Grace didn’t owe him anything anymore, Simon still had the chance to save himself; a chance he regretted.

Then he was in flames.

Then, all of a sudden, he was gone.

Grace touched his ashes and cried for him, somehow still holding the empty hope he was still there, only because she still felt him.

A part of Simon stayed with Grace, despite having hurt her _so_ much.

He refused to leave. Because Grace still waited for him to say hi in the mornings; she still craved his touch, his warmth, his smile, and his little ponytail; she still craved…

Something.

Everything.

An everything full of things she had said, and others she hadn’t.

Maybe she would forever mourn _her_ Simon, who had been her everything when she had nothing.

The other Simon…

That… soulless thing Simon had turned into… not so much.

They were happy in their clueless little world. When they had each other, and when they would look into each other’s eyes and feel… _know_ they were all they needed.

And she would crave that forever, although she didn’t know why.

Grace supposed there were some things one wasn’t just… meant to understand.

She knew it was over. She knew that, in the end, there was nothing she could’ve done or said.

Because, from the very first moment he attempted against her own person, Simon stopped being her fight.

But that didn’t change the fact he had been her fight once, and she had been his’.

She didn’t know why.

And just like her limbs seemed odd in her body sometimes, making her wonder what was the point in having feet or legs or arms or mouth… sometimes she just wondered why there had been a passenger named Simon Laurent.

Was _Simon_ a name?

Had he been real at all?

Why had he let his hair grow?

Had the texture of that hair been real or was she just imagining it?

Why did it hurt when she realized she was forgetting the texture of his hands?

Why could human beings hold hands?

she just…

Didn’t know.

She didn’t.

She just knew he had been there

And she knew he was gone.

And she knew that, despite that, he refused to leave.

And she knew it hurt a lot.

But she didn’t know why.

She just didn’t know.


End file.
